My Life Now
by indcrow
Summary: After Alex leaves the cartel, she has to live with the consequences. M for mention of rape and strong language
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own OITNB.**

There is only a hand full of times in my life that I have ever been truly terrified. Thinking about how I would live without the two most important people in my life on the same day, the day that I quit the cartel, the day Kubra decided to take his revenge on my quitting the cartel, and now.

This was never how my life was supposed to end up. My mom should still be here with me, helping me through this whole ordeal. I miss how she would always make things better, making me feel like I was worth something. How she would hug me, telling me I can do anything. And for a moment I would actually believe her. It's been a year since her passing, which also happened the day Piper decided to leave me.

I should have quit the cartel a lot sooner. I know Piper would still be here if I did. Even though I resent her for leaving, I would still give anything for her to be here right now.

I'm finally starting to heal; there are bruises still all over my body, but my body no longer aches with every little movement. The thing that gets to me most is the nightmares. I'm constantly reliving that day over and over again. There is no escape. My attacker has been arrested, but knowing that Kubra is still free makes me sick.

"Ms. Vause, we have your test results."

Suddenly I can't breathe. I already know what she's going to say, and hearing it will just confirm my fears.

The doctor knows my story. The way she's looking at me, gives everything away. I can feel the tears building up, and I don't have the energy to keep it held in.

"The test came back positive, you are pregnant."

_**Flashback: 1 month ago**_

_I'm making my way back to my apartment after my shift at Joe's. I've been a waitress for 3 months now, and I'm struggling to pay my rent. _

"_Alex Vause?" I don't recognize his voice. I turn around, and I'm certain I've never met this man._

"_Can I help you?" Before I can process what is happening, I feel a sharp pain in my stomach, and the man is now hovering over me._

"_Kubra sent me, you fucked up Vause." I feel his fist connect with my face, and I'm certain he is going to kill me. _

"_Please, don't kill me" I hate to beg, I sound pathetic. _

"_Trust me, I won't kill you, but you're going to wish that I will."_

_I don't register what he's saying, until I feel him roughly tug at my jeans. That's when my instincts kick in. _

"_Fuck." I start to fight, hitting him wherever I can, but he's a lot stronger than me. I feel an object hit my head. I know what's going to happen, but I'm too weak to move. It's like I'm paralyzed. All I can do is scream, or at least I think I'm screaming. And hope that it ends quickly. _

_Please let it fucking end quickly. _

I make it back to my apartment an hour later, and my mind kept racing. I know what my options are; I know I don't have to keep it. I never even thought about my future until I met Piper. Even then, I made it clear to her I didn't want kids.

I'm still deep in thought when my phone starts to ring, and I answer it without checking to see who it is.

"Hello?"

"Alex?" It can't be. I instantly recognize her voice, and I'm stunned.

"P- Piper?"

**A/N: Sorry that this first chapter is kind of rough. This just kinda came to mind and I had to write it. I'm honestly not sure where im going with this or if I will continue with this story. If people like it, I will continue it. **


	2. Chapter 2

"Alex I... I'm sorry for calling."

"Wh-Why are you calling me Piper?" All I can hear is Piper's breathing. She's crying, and it breaks my fucking heart. I would have hoped that after all this time, I wouldn't feel this way about her.

"I would really like to see you, can we meet up somewhere?" Is she serious? I can feel the tears building up, hating the fact that all I want to do is see her again.

"Fuck you Piper," My voice breaks, I know she hears it, but I can't control it. "I can't handle this right now, I-"

"Please, I just… I have to see you."

This is what I wanted, to see Piper again. To be _near_ her again.

"When?"

"I um… are you busy now?" Is she fucking crazy?

"_Now_?Fuck Piper…" I already know I will tell her yes. "Where do you want to meet?"

"Th- there's this new diner, I think the name is Joe's? I can buy you lunch… I mean if you want to… or we can meet at your place."

"No, no I rather meet in a public place. Joe's sounds good. I can be there in about fifteen minutes, is that good for you?"

"Yes… yeah I will see you then." I hang up, stunned by the conversation that just occurred. _I'm going to see her again, is this really what I want? _

I know that seeing her again isn't what's best for me right now. I look on my counter, and I see the pamphlets that my doctor gave me. It all comes rushing back to me; I'm pregnant, and I need to make a choice. _ I can't keep it; I'm not made to be a mom. I'm not emotionally fit to take care of a child._

I sigh, and make my way out of my apartment.

I enter the diner, skimming the small crowd of people. There's no sign of Piper, so I make my way over to the booth in the corner. As I'm fidgeting in my seat, I see a waitress make her way towards me.

"What can I getcha, darling?" the older woman asks, with a hint of a smile.

"A bottled water, please." As she walks off, I look at the time. _What if she doesn't show up? _ Before my mind can come up with every reason why Piper wouldn't show up, I see her walk in.

She doesn't see me right away, which gives me time to take her all in. She's dressed in a simple t-shirt and jeans, and her long blonde hair in soft curls, she still looks just as amazing since the last I saw her. She turns to look in my direction and I see her tearful eyes brighten and the faintest of smiles adorn her face. I can feel myself catch my breath as she makes her way over to me. We stare at each other for the longest time, until finally, she speaks.

"Alex, you look..." she pauses, and takes in every detail. I feel uneasy under her gaze, and she seems to notice this. "You look amazing Alex."

I give her a small smile; I can tell just by the way she looks at me that she means it. "You do too, Piper." It comes out as just barely a whisper, but I know she hears it.

She continues to stand in front of me, fidgeting from one foot to the other. I can't help but chuckle at her.

"You can sit down you know, I won't bite." I find myself smirking at her, something I haven't done in such a long time. Just being near her again makes me happier.

She lets out a nervous laugh and sits straight across from me. The waitress brings me my water, and asks if we would like anything else.

"Can I have some pancakes, please?" Piper asks. I never understood why she would _ask _for food that she was going to pay for, but naturally I found it endearing.

"And for you, hun?"

"I'll have the same, thanks." I answer, but I don't take my eyes off of Piper. The waitress walks off, leaving us alone once again.

"Why did you call me, Piper?" I don't feel like putting this off anymore. I need to know if she wants something from me. Even though I'm happy to see her, I won't hesitate to tell her to fuck off if she just wants to use me. I won't be able to handle that.

"I- I just…" She's struggling with her words, and I don't rush her. "I wanted to apologize. About…. about leaving, especially when you had just lost…" I see fresh tears build up in her eyes, as she takes in a shaky breath and continues. " I know that you hate me, and to be perfectly honest, I hate me too."

"Piper, I-"

"No, let me finish. Ever since I left, I couldn't stop thinking about you. I want to be part of your life, I don't care if it's just as a friend; or th- that your still in the cartel… but I would like to give _us_ another shot. "

"I'm not in the cartel anymore." It comes out softly, and I honestly thought that she wouldn't be able to hear it. But the relief that is shown on Pipers face make it clear that she heard it.

"When did you…?"

"About a month after you left."

I let her ponder over what I just said, and I let my own mind wander too. _If I let her be part of my life, then there will be no way I can keep this baby situation a secret._

"They just let you quit, just like that?" _Fuck, this is it._

"No, it wasn't that simple."

The fear is evident on her face. I start to wonder if telling her is such a good idea. What if she runs away again?

Before I can protest, I fell her grab my hand. "Please, tell me what happened." She rubs her thumb softly on my hand, and I look at her. There's understanding in her eyes, but I can't bring myself to say it. I can't go into the details of what happened.

The waitress comes back with our food, and we both tense up at the sudden intrusion. She tells us to enjoy, then just as quickly as she came, she left.

Neither one of us touch our food, both seemingly lost our appetites at the turn of our conversation. I take in a shaky breath, and try to find some way to tell Piper about my attack.

"Kubra sent one of his men after me about a month ago." I refuse to look into her eyes, so I settle for studying the plate of food.

"Alex?" I look up at her, her eyes searching mine, as if looking for confirmation on what I'm actually saying is true. "How bad was it?"

The tears fall, and I allow myself to be weak. "He…" How can I say it? I look down at my napkin, and grab the pen from my purse. One word is really all it will take. I slide the napkin over to the blonde, still not looking directly at her, and I hear her gasp.

"oh, Alex." I look up at her, and the tears stream down her face.

"You really want to be part of my life now?" I ask, but I don't wait for a reply. "I can't be your girlfriend, maybe not even friends right now, but what I'm about to ask you is something that I need at least someone for."

Her reply is instant. "Whatever you need, Alex."

"I'm pregnant, and I need you to come with me to the women's clinic."

She's looking at me, not with judgment, but understanding. "You're not…"

"No, I don't want it. I just want this to be over and done with. I don't want this constant reminder of what happened, and I definitely don't want to carry a baby that I'm not sure I will even love. I'm going to terminate the pregnancy."


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews! They really mean a lot to me, and I'm definitely trying to make these chapters longer. It's been a while since I've written anything, so I'm still trying to get into the feel of things. I'm still pretty insecure about how this is going, and I don't want to disappoint anyone since my writing skills aren't great. **

I thought saying it out loud would make me feel better about my decision, maybe make this whole ordeal a little better. _Having some sort of plan will make this better._ Instead, I feel like an idiot. I feel like an idiot for thinking anything will make me feel better, and I feel like an idiot for letting Piper back into my life.

We sit in silence, neither one of us quite sure on how to proceed. She is no longer looking at me, deciding to focus on her plate, making it hard to read her. I look down at my own plate, and take a few bites of my pancakes. The food is cold now, making me realize just how long we have been sitting here.

I want to say something, the silence is killing me, but I also want her to speak first. I look around the diner, taking in the few customers this establishment has. My eyes spot a woman, maybe early thirties, and two little girls. The two children's voices ring out through the small building, and the mother trying, yet failing, to keep their voices down. I take in the older woman's appearance, her hair is pulled up into a messy bun, and the dark circles under her eyes give away the fact that she hasn't had a good night's sleep in heaven knows how long. _See, that's what kids do to you. Why would I want to ruin my life that way? _

The mother is still trying to calm down the kids, when the youngest, knocks into the table, spilling the drinks onto the floor. As the waitress goes to clean up the mess, the mother apologizes and puts money on the table, taking her kids out of the diner.

Silence fills the diner. I look towards Piper, and I'm surprised to find her already looking at me.

"I'll do whatever you need me to do. I meant what I said earlier, I want to be here for you, no matter what. If you want to go to the clinic, we will. If you decide you want to keep it…" She stops, and she holds my gaze. The intensity of moment makes me want to look away, but I just can't bring myself to. She pulls in a sharp breath before she continues. "If you decide to keep it, I will be there to support the both of you. I will love the baby just like it was my own. Even if nothing were to happen with the two of us, the baby would be my first priority. I'm here for you Alex; I know my track record is shit…"

I cut her off. "You think? Piper, you've been gone for a fucking year. I haven't heard from you until what, a fucking hour ago?" I can feel my voice getting louder, and I can faintly hear a waitress asking me to keep my voice down, but I don't care. "Tell me Piper, what the hell have _you_ been doing this past year?"

Piper is looking around the diner, mumbling apologies to the waitress and customers, before looking back at me with sadness, but there's a hint of anger on her face.

"I'm _trying _Alex. Besides, you weren't exactly blameless for our breakup. Do you think it was easy leaving you?"

"It looked pretty easy from where I was standing." I see her flinch, my words are a slap in the face for her, and I expect her to leave, almost wishing she would, to prove to myself that I was right in not being able to trust her. But she just sits there, never once breaking eye contact with me.

"When is your appointment?"

"Considering the fact that I just found out I was pregnant no more than two hours ago, I haven't had a chance to call the clinic."

She fights the urge to roll her eyes, and I can't help but smirk at her.

Piper signals for the waitress to bring us the check, and I can't help the disappointment that flows through me. I quickly avert my eyes, hoping Piper won't be able to read my expression.

"Would you like me to make the appointment for you?"

"Would you mind?" I sound childish, insecure.

She gives me a small smile, and reaches for my hand, but I quickly jerk it away. I see the disappointment in her eyes, but it quickly vanishes.

"Of course I don't mind."

After Piper pays for our meal, we make our way outside. I turn to face her, and I notice her fidgeting, avoiding my gaze.

"When I get home, I'll call the women's clinic, and then I'll text you the appointment." I'm not quite ready for her to leave yet, so I take a step towards her.

"Where do you stay at now?"

She was just about to answer me, when her phone rings. She checks her phone, and then quickly answers it, turning her back to me.

"Hey Nicky," she whispers.

"Yea, I'll be home in a bit." She pauses, and gives me an apologetic look. I smile softly at her, as she continues to listen to her friend, or as it seems roommate. Maybe her girlfriend? _No, she wouldn't have said all of those things to me if she had a girlfriend. Piper may be selfish, but she isn't that much of a bitch. _

My curiosity continues to grow, as Piper hangs up. "Sorry about that. My roommate just wanted me to pick up a few things before I went home. "

"No, no it's cool." I fidget with my glasses, "So I guess I will hear from you later?"

I see her try to hide her smile, "I guess you will." I can't help but smile back at her. I give her a wave as she turns to walk away.

"Hey Piper?"

She turns back towards me with a questioning look.

"I'm really glad you called me today." I give her a smile and walk away, not giving her a chance to respond.

Not feeling up to going back to my apartment, I decide to take a walk. I know I have to find another job; I haven't worked since I left the cartel. I had managed to stash away some money, which should still last me for a good while, but I rather not wait until the money is all spent.

Waitressing is out of the question. Watching my mother as she worked her ass off and having to deal with shitty customers has completely turned me off to the idea.

I have no clue on how long I've been walking; I barely even recognize my surroundings until I come across a local bookstore, _Galina's_.

_That's a weird ass name for a bookstore. _ It's a small brick building, with a few clearly forgotten plants hanging near the window.

I walk into the building, and I'm surprised by how big it actually is. There's a small café in the right corner of the building. Behind the counter, there's a woman a woman with dark red lipstick, reading a magazine.

"Welcome to Galina's, can I help ya with anything?" The woman asks in a strong Brooklyn accent, all the while never taking her eyes off her magazine.

"Just browsing." I go to look at their selection, t hen I stop myself. "Actually, are you guys hiring?"

The girl finally looks up from her magazine, and I see her eyeing me skeptically.

"I don't think so, but I'll go get Red. She's the one that owns the joint. Take a look around while I get her." She disappears into the back room, and I take a look around.

There's a surprising amount of customers, giving the outer appearance of the building, I wouldn't have expected this place to have any kind of business. It's a good 15 minute walk from my apartment, which isn't too bad. I've learned to enjoy walking everywhere, finding it has a way of relaxing me.

At the beginning of our relationship, Piper and I would always take long walk. We would never have a particular destination in mind, just going wherever our legs may take us. Before Piper, I never saw the point of just walking around. But now, it's become therapeutic.

My thoughts are interrupted by a thick Russian accent. "So, I hear you're looking for a job." The woman screams fierce. Her red hair spiked up, eyes narrowed in my direction; She's challenging me to keep eye contact, and I don't disappoint.

"You heard correctly."

"Can you make coffee?" she asks.

I give a slight eye roll, "Who the fuck can't make coffee?"

Red shakes her head softly, and points to the brunette behind her. "Why don't you ask that one?"

The girl, whose nametag refers to her as Lorna, gives a guilty smile, "Hey, I've never had to make coffee before. Isn't that what Starbucks is for?"

Red and I both chuckle, and I turn to the older woman with an expectant expression.

"So, can you give me a job?"

"Fine, I'll give you a shot. Come in Friday at 8."

"Is there a dress code? Or…?"

"I don't give a shit what you wear, just don't dress like a slut and you'll be good." And with that, Red walks off.

I make my way back to my apartment, and I can't help but feel proud of myself. This will be my first legal job in, well, forever.

My phone goes off, signaling that I have a text.

**From Piper:**

**Your first appointment is at 2pm tomorrow. They said they just need to ask you some questions, and have you fill out some paperwork. It will just be a basic visit. Would you like me to meet you at your place tomorrow, and we can maybe walk there together? **

I reply with a simple yes and text her my address. I walk into my bedroom, and change into my shorts and tank top. Flopping down on my bed, I try to go to sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

I wake up drenched in sweat, barely able to catch my breath. The tears are falling freely down my face as I try to shake off the feeling of dread that my nightmare has left me with. I'm no longer surprised by my dreams, but they still leave me terrified.

There's no way to move past the nightmares. It's not like I can just wake up and tell myself it was just a dream, because it's not. It's _real_. Everything that happened was _real_ and I have to live with it.

I feel my chest and throat tightening up, and the room is starting to spin. _Why is it so hard to breathe?_ I close my eyes, trying to calm myself, but it's just getting worse. I hear a faint knocking coming from my front door, but I can't focus on anything else except for trying to get more air into my lungs.

The anxiety attacks have only started about a week ago, and for the most part I've been able to calm myself down rather quickly. But right now, I can't seem to gather a coherent thought, much less talk myself out of my panic. I make my way into the bathroom, and splash some cold water on my face. It does nothing to calm me down, and I start to breathe in harder, which only causes my chest to hurt even more.

I can no longer control the sharp intake of breaths I take, and I start to shake.

I hear another knock on my door, this time a little more insistent.

"_Alex?" _ Pipers muffled voice breaks me from my spell, but only temporarily. I make my way to the door, clumsily bumping into my sofa.

I open the door and I quickly pull her inside. She gives me a confused look, which quickly turns to concern when she sees my expression.

'I- I can't breathe." I can barely get the words out. I see her step towards me, and she brings her hand to my arm, but I quickly step back.

"No, no don't touch me." I back myself into the wall, and I feel myself slip down onto the floor. "Just say something, anything."

She kneels in front of me, careful as to not touch me. "Okay," her face searches mine, and I see a smile form on her face. "Okay, remember the first time I met your mom?"

_**Flashback: 4 years ago**_

"_So Al, When am I going to meet this girl of yours?" My mom nudges my shoulder, giving me a smirk. _

"_Never." I say bluntly. I look down at my feet as we head to my apartment. Piper and I have been dating for almost a year, and I have successfully avoided the two of them from meeting. _

"_Don't give me that shit, Al. Every time you call me, you can't go five minutes into our conversation without mentioning her. I want to meet her!"_

"_Yea well, she's not going to be around this weekend. She and her friend Holly are hanging out tonight and she works this weekend. Guess you'll have to meet her some other time."I go to unlock my front door when I feel my mom's hand on my shoulder. _

"_What? Are you embarrassed my ya mother or something? Because let me tell ya Al…"_

"_What? No!" I quickly turn around to face my mom; the last thing I wanted was to make her feel bad. "I have never been embarrassed by you, mom. I just…" She quirks her eyebrow, waiting for me to continue._

"_I just… I really like her. I mean really like her, and I don't want to scare her off by moving things too fast." _

"_Have you told her yet?"_

"_That I like her? I'm pretty sure she knows…" _

_She gives me a look, "No dumbass, that you love her."_

_I stare at her with a horrified expression, but there's no use in lying to her about this. "No, not yet." I fidget with the keys that are in my hand "What if she doesn't love me back?"_

_She stares at me, like the answer is completely obvious. "Then she's an idiot." I roll my eyes at her answer. "Look babe, you're an amazing girl. And if this Piper girl is as smart as you say she is, then she's smart enough to know that there's no person in the world as amazing as you are."_

_Smiling, I pull my mom in for a hug. _

"_Now open the fucking door, I've had to go to the bathroom since I got off that stupid train."_

_Chuckling, I unlock my door and I'm met with candles spread out across my apartment. Al Green is being played softly in the background as I spot Piper, swaying lightly to the music while she finishes lighting the rest of the candles, wearing red and black lingerie._

"_Uh, Pipes?" She turns around at the sound of my voice, a shy smile forming on her face._

"_Are you surprised?" _

_My mother peers over my shoulder, and the color drains from Pipers face._

_I can't help but find her expression hilarious. Giving a hearty laugh at her expense, I decide this is quite possibly the best way to introduce the two._

"_Piper, this is my mom. Mom…" I eye my girlfriend, her face never leaving my mothers. "This is my girlfriend, Piper."_

**End of Flashback**

We are still sitting on the floor, laughing at the memory. My head's resting against the wall as I watch her, and her laughter dies down. She smiles at me, her eyes searching mine. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Do I? I never spoke of my dream, or the incident, to anyone. For the last year I've never had anyone to talk to. I've learn to take solace in keeping people out of my life, but I'm starting to feel myself wanting to open up to the blonde.

"I've been having nightmares." I whispered. "Well, more like reliving _that_ day. Normally the panic attacks aren't that bad. I can usually ease myself out of them."

She's still keeping that damn eye contact; I look away from her, needing to look at anything besides her right now.

My eyes find the clock above the kitchen stove, which reads 11:30.

"What the fuck are you doing here so early?" I wince inwardly at my own harsh tone, and I see Piper look a little taken aback also.

"I'm sorry, that was rude. I just… Isn't my appointment for 2?"

"Yeah um, the nurse called me this morning and said that we can come in early if we want. There was a cancelation… I'm sorry I should have called you first. I can leave and come back for around 1 and then we can lea-…" _God , she is so freaking cute when she rambles. _She's no longer looking at me, she starts to stand up, and I quickly try to get her attention.

"Piper?" she is no longer listening to me, so I raise my voice a little louder.

"Piper!" She jumps, and gives me an uncertain look. I hate the fact that I'm making her doubt herself.

I give her a sincere smile, and take a step towards her "I just need to take a quick shower, and then I'll be ready."

She nods, but doesn't say anything. I sigh and make my way to the bathroom.

The cab ride to the woman's clinic was painfully slow, even though it was only a 7 minute drive. We sit in an uncomfortable silence, both not knowing what to say to each other. I notice Piper glance in my direction during the ride, but she quickly looks away when I try to return her gaze.

We finally make it to the clinic, and I can feel my hands shaking as I pay the driver.

We enter the building, and I can feel the anxiety build up again. Piper walks ahead of me and signs me in at the nurses' station. While she is speaking to the nurse, I go to sit in one of the empty seats. There isn't anyone else in the building, for which I am thankful for.

Piper walks over to me and hands me a clipboard and a pen.

"The nurse said we shouldn't have to wait too long, maybe only 20 minutes. You just need to fill out some things before they can see you."

I quickly fill out the forms; my hands are still shaking as I finish up the last bit of information on the clipboard. I return it to the nurses' station and take my seat next to Piper.

"Did you really mean it when you said you would help me if I decided to keep the baby?" I see a hint of a smile form on her face, as she turns to look at me.

"Of course I meant it Al."

"I can't bring myself to actually think about the baby. Not once did I think about what my future could be like with a little mini me." I let out a nervous breath, and I meet her gaze once more. "I never gave myself the chance to think about this. What if I don't love it? What if when I look at it, all I can see is that man?"

She doesn't say anything, and I don't expect her to. I just continue on with my ramblings.

"But there's another part of me that is thinking that maybe this is what I need, you know? All my life I have handled things completely wrong. What if this is the same thing? What if I'm making the wrong choice right now?"She gives me a sympathetic look, and I feel the tears begin to build up.

"It's just… fuck, I've made this huge, life changing decision in _two_ days and now… now all of these thoughts are flowing through my mind. I don't want to hurt _it_. I mean, I don't even know if it can feel anything right now." I pause to wipe the tear that managed to escape during my speech. "I don't know if I want to keep the baby or not but this just feels wrong."


End file.
